(A-Z Challenge: B)
I went to bed last night feeling slightly paranoid that even writing about how my stories are likely to piss someone off at some point, may have pissed someone off.
Bargain Babe from Zucchini Summer left a link to this photo in the comments section of yesterday's post, in response to my apprehension. I've heard it before, but God bless Anne Lamott. This time it made my day.
Why is it that when someone upset us, we're afraid to upset *them* by telling the truth about how we were impacted? Sometimes it seems easier to work it out on our own, you know, to take the zen high road and make peace with what is, man. Learn to go with the flow. Learn to love everyone exactly like they are, and if that's a challenge, look in the mirror and really try to see what your problem is.
Kara-Leah Grant describes this particular form of emotional gymnastics in How to Claim Back Our Power From People Who Piss Us Off: The Aftermath.
"The danger is in only doing the internal work—and not taking external action. This is like a spiritual bypass: we internally come to terms with a difficult situation but then let it continue, because we’re now okay with it."
And she calls bullshit on it. Rightly so.
This is still tricky business. Yes, maybe they could have been more thoughtful. Maybe they could have been more kind. Maybe they're doing the best they can, and it still hurt anyway.
The real eloquence, perhaps, is not to publicly vent about who did what, but to be honest about our experience.
If I'm honest about my recent experience when someone showed up later than expected to an evening commitment, it's not just that I was annoyed. If I'm really baring all, it's what's under that annoyance. It's about feeling devalued, and underneath that, shame for feeling that I needed that person's help that night in the first place. It's about feeling embarrassed that I had attached so strongly to a Norman Rockwell-esque vision of what the night would be like, that I simply couldn't course-correct when things got a little fuzzy. It's about a deep-down frustration about my tendency to cling so tightly to predictability.
All of that was my own churn, right up in my face as I looked at the clock and swore under my breath about what so-and-so just did. Did I take any action? Not really. No real story there.
The things in our lives that become our stories do so because they evoked a response in us. But what rises inside us isn't the story—the story is in the action we take in response.
So let's swap stories, shall we?
I think you touched on a reason that I like to write fiction. I enjoy exploring my feelings and reactions to situations, but I don't like admitting how strange my mind seems. I can bury it in a character and still explore it. What you're doing is much braver. :)
ReplyDeleteI bet you're creating some pretty believable, alive characters, Chuck!
ReplyDeleteNice post. Honest and astute.
ReplyDeleteBest regards,
Elizabeth
Thanks, Elizabeth!
ReplyDeleteI understand the need to write your experiences. I have that need too, and I've rruffled a few feathers along the way. In fact, I had a months long argument with my dad over some stuff...an argument still not settled, but tabled for the moment. The thing is, your experience is true, regardless of the presence of other perspectives. The real reality of a situation is somewhere in the convergence of all the perspectives, but still, the truth of your personal experience is not lessened. My dad never did seem to get that with me.
ReplyDeleteI love it. "The real reality of a situation is somewhere in the convergence of all the perspectives...." Very well put, and so relevant. Thank you!
DeleteDid you mean brave or behave? Writing your stories is brave.
ReplyDeleteWell, it's easier with little nuggets of encouragement. I appreciate your little nudges along the way!
DeleteHi Rachel! Perfect timing for a perfect quote in a perfect post! This is what I have been dealing with, dealing with it internally while not being able to do anything externally, which really, in the end, changes nothing. Bullshit is right! Thank you for this post. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks, Bear Paw! I think noticing our habit of internalizing things is the first step. I wish you all the best as you figure out the right action. :)
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